She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
