This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
