You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
