she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
