fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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