By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
