I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
