We're facebook friends in real life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
