i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
