i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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