i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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