He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
