He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
