I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
