I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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