my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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