You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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