I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
