hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I love you. Go after that dick
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
