Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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