When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
