Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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