I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
