using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
