Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
