Your dad touched me again.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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