i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
