I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
