I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
