it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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