Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
