Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
