The maid of honor just puked.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
