Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
