I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
