you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad just said "fuck circus"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
