I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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