He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
