i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
