Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
