there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
