is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
