FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
