What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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