If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
