so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
