I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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