In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
