Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
