saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
