The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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